How on earth would you describe this year? And what do you think are the biggest things you have learnt this year? Its been so very different for all of us, it is probably one of the clearest examples of how complexly layered our experiences are, how multifaceted our individual responses have been and quite simply that there is a level of relatability to a point but on the whole it really is different for each of us.
All these new experiences have triggered new challenge's so theres also been a whole new raft of emotions to deal with for all of us, far to many to list here but I'll mention a couple that have come to mind that I experienced. Actually in hind sight both of these examples led to my realisation that I had some work to do and stuff to clear around having a voice and being heard.
The first example that I haven't actually spoken about till now is the inability to express how I actually felt during our lockdown, this was a decent problem for me afterwards, it felt like I had gagged myself, I wouldn't speak my truth as I was caught up in the desire not to offend or upset anyone. Thats what empaths, healers, carers, nurturers do I guess. The truth is I loved it, I loved the peacefulness, I loved the feeling of the world slowing down, of people getting a chance to breathe, I loved our walks and the change of pace. Ironically it stopped my business in its tracks, it affected my partners business at the time, things were uncertain though I felt very grateful for having more than enough to get through, there was worry about friends and family and I had deep despair for those (I did or didn't know) whose lives were seriously financially and emotionally stressed by it. I wasn't in a bubble view, I could see how it was for many, I could see the different personalities deal in different ways, the different economic impacts, the health impacts emotionally, spiritually and physically. I wasn't home with my feet up because I took on 2 jobs during that time, I dusted off my nursing hat at the MOH and my zoono hat to cleanse childcare centres. But I could also see and feel the positive energy impacts that this enforced change of pace created, it opened up space in which to breathe, it opened up changes in direction for many, it opened up a lot of hearts that had been so busy keeping up with the rat race that they weren't filling their boots with service to themselves or others, feeling nature, breathing in the oxygen or any other feel good acts. I guess I could see and feel all the aspects of Joy that were also blooming amongst people or maybe it was to do with picking up on the earth energy as it got a chance to heal and breathe or for reasons I may never understand the experience filled me up with joy and peace and the sense that a much bigger picture change is in process, a huge shift in the world as we have known it. The energy I feel/felt is that there is change that may get very challenging and disruptive but is in the long run for the good of all people. LOL's don't ask me to explain that any further, its just a very strong feeling I have.
The second example used to wind me up and I spent some time and energy trying to show it up to others but now it just leaves me perplexed if I even give it the thought space because I now look at it from an observational standpoint, I haven't changed my opinions I have just changed the energy I choose to invest in it. More on that bit soon. So what used to wind me up was all the censorship this year combined with how many people cant seem to grasp the level of censorship, its like you had to be in 'full believer of everything you are told' camp or 'tin foil hat wearing earth is flat camp'. I was in neither, I wasn't even in the middle because every example had different angles and layers and triggers so some information drew me towards one camp and other information towards the other. But it isn't even about what my or your opinion is or what beliefs we have, it wasn't actually about the details because I seriously believe in each to their own in a supportive way, we are not the same nor should we be expected to be the same, difference is what makes our entire being the best thing ever in this human experience. Nope it was simply the censorship, the way it was deemed you weren't allowed that information because we will not allow you to think and make your own conclusions, and lols before y'all jump on the arm chair warriors information thread, I am definitely not talking about that. I'm talking about all the silenced highly trained highly experienced experts, the real deal and so many of them that have been gagged if they do speak outside of a decided narrative. Thats just so wrong on so many levels and so many people have happily bought into it and it used to wind me up and I found myself being treated/looked at like I had lost my mind if I said anything that spoke outside of any narrative. So I had a deep learning experience again based around having a voice and being heard and instead of projecting blame out to the system or to individuals I knew I had to do this learning within myself.
So why within myself when it is apparently happening outside around me, well its simple, if a trigger to something occurs that creates a reaction who owns the trigger - ME, who owns the reaction - ME and who is in a position to change that - ME, can I change the world - NO, can I change someone else's perspective - NO, is it up to me to make others see what I see - NO. So I worked on my trigger responses and I worked on my reactions and I took bigger and bigger steps outwards to see a bigger and bigger picture, I could still see the to-ing and fro-ing and the polarisations and the underwhelmed and overwhelmed in information and in people but I stopped feeling it so much and started observing it, I still have opinions but these stay observational rather than emotional. Its not about switching off and ignoring, it is literally about observing something, thinking then processing and moving onwards keeping in a broader perspective. Everything that we experience helps create who we are, we are on an evolving learning journey of self so I don't believe in switching off and ignoring stuff but I do believe in being aware of self and being aware of what doesn't enhance me and what may even take from me and that is what I limit by observing and ensuring I know how much of me I invest in something.
So back to having a voice and being heard, these 2 examples made it clear to me that there was a bit for me to work on here, interestingly there were other examples that jumped up right in my face this year around the same theme too, and even more interestingly as this stuff showed itself over the year I found it more difficult to speak my thoughts on every level which showed up in my blogs and social media posts which you may have noticed started to ebb away in frequency and content. Well I have been tracking the energy cords and feels around this for quite a few weeks and its amazing what's come up and I've made some big shifts within myself which has positively affected many things around me. It's such a sigh of relief when you can let something go that doesn't serve you.
I really encourage you to take a look at what you are heavily invested in - does it serve you - do you gain from it or lose to it. Are you able to observe it rather than invest heavily in it. I also encourage you to recognise when you are triggered about something and see if you can track where its actually coming from within you, is there something there you can collapse or delete that doesn't serve you any more, can you take your responses and change them to better serve you and those around you. I'll dive right into triggers and tracking next year as its a fascinating way to clear yourself and understand yourself. There has been so much learning this year so there is now so much I want to share and I hope you will come along on the ride in one form or another.
From my heart to yours however 2020 has been for you, I wish for you ease in self reflection and growth, I send you heaps of Love energy and hold space for you as you need it. I also want to thank you for taking some of your time to read my blogs and for all the support you have shown me this year. See ya later 2020, my next musings aren't till next year - bring on 2021!!